recap

a group photo


while many of the rules and regulations around artists' estates vary greatly between the U.S.A. and Europe, the philosophical issues are universal. this workshop provided the opportunity to discuss circumstances that arise when you are dealing with the very personal and at the same time the very public. from archives to artwork. from inventory to exhibition. to legacy.

I am grateful that this group has become a community I will be connecting with again. that sounding board is important to me, working alone in my little backyard office.

and now back to "real life".

...

I just can't get Paris off my mind. and I keep revisiting images from our last trip there (now 4 years ago).



it also has me thinking about the world our girls navigate. post-9/11 children, coupled with their access to media, terrorist attacks are part of their vernacular in a way they've never been part of mine. K seemed completely uninterested. E - who has a great affinity for Paris, and since a little girl, has talked of living there one day - retreated to her room and turned on Edith Piaf's La Vie En Rose*. how does this shape them? how will their generation deal with the mess that's been made? will they find the solution?



may Peace be the victor

*this song was not anticipated to be a hit for Piaf - but, released 1947, in the wake of WWII, it resonated with a population looking for a rosy view...

"innate proclivities"

i've been thinking a lot lately about why we do, what we do. why we love, what we love. why we fight for, what we fight for.

is there a correlation between my "crazy" over public eduction and the fact that my mom and grandma were both school teachers? (and my mom has gone on to write policy for the government?) my grandfather started a rural school to ensure the children growing up on farms were getting the education they needed.

i have an overwhelming need for open space. prairie sky. but ocean works as well. the horizon in view.

E wants to be a photographer. she has always had a good eye, and paid careful attention to composition and detail.

K wants to work with horses. oh horses...

this horse love that has become part of our lives.

i was going through one of my paternal grandmother's photo albums this week and came across pages and pages of horses. on the backs of some, the horses names. "Pride". "Jumper". "Kate". so much part of my parents' lives. not though, of mine. (remember when it started...)










"Pride - the horse favorite of Bartley farm"

what genes trickled through us all to take us where we are?



read: Genius, Genes and Gusto: How Passions Find You

my mom's family, farm-life and horses remembered in part, here

::45::

marking milestones always makes me nostalgic. and I'm feeling remiss that I haven't recorded a bunch of going-ons here. for me, this space is really my visual and written diary. so in celebration of another year older, i'll list a few ...

- the sunsets lately have been spectacular. late summer. hot nights. but when I realize it is the end of september I begin to get antsy for cooler weather. we're ready. (even if the predicted "h-el-l nino" arrives.)

- we're leasing a third horse. Cisco. I'm a sucker for old animals in need of rescue, and he fit the bill. he is sweet and slow, and perfect for me to join in riding with the girls on Sunday. love.

- a close friend recently lost her mom after a short and aggressive bout with cancer. seeing her grieve, I was reminded of the complexity of loss, and death, and what it has brought to my life. on the other side, to know joy. true joy. there is so much space between the two. where i usually sit. i need to appreciate that space more.

- d ran a 1/2 marathon! we are extremely proud of him. he worked hard. trained hard. and set a personal record. he inspires us all...

- with that e has joined me spinning. while I enjoyed running, I had started to get bored and wasn't motivated to run when the weather was hot. riding has been great for my core, but i needed some cardio. I did some cross-training which I enjoyed, but then friends put me on to their studio, which I fell in love with. I'm going 3 times / week. and happy to have e peddling at my side at an early weekend class.

- I experienced my first american high school football game. albeit working the "snack shack". it felt like some kind of initiation. perhaps not that different than the wheat king games of my youth. I am excited for e - and her HS experience. she loves her school - and I am extremely grateful for that.

- k has also settled in nicely to school as well. I recall the transition a little more difficult for e. I'm sure seeing it first, has helped k a lot. she is familiar with the school, and the principal is actually someone we've known for a long time. (she is amazing!) while I've had my hesitations, she seems to be confident with the choices made and happy to be there. I am known to ramble on school choice here, the girls own academic pathways are something I keep to us. our public school system affords many levels of learning in an effort to differentiate. while in theory I might be attracted to this idea, the segregation that seems to be a result troubles me. i try and hold onto words my mom said to me a long time ago - you don't need the best for your child, you need what's best for your child. (thanks mom xo)

- we're going out tonight to celebrate 45 - and a friend's 44 at the six in calabasas. love the spots that have started to pop up in the west valley. hope the drift continues.

- our neighborhood has changed quite a bit this year. death. divorce. job loss. moving. and kids that at one point so easily played all together are growing up and with that new interests and a little drifting apart. it is great to see that when social occasions bring them all together, they fall back easily, like family. and I am still so constantly grateful for the friendships I've formed here. I don't know what I'd do without them.

- with new families in the neighborhood, and little kids too (yay!) a couple of young moms started "wine wednesday". described as "bookclub without the book" we gather the first wednesday of the month to nosh, sip wine, and talk mom-stuff. it is really great. and a treat to sit with these moms as they weave through motherhood, work, graduate school and so on from my vantage point, with older kids.

- trying to make this space more than just about my list making affinity! though re-reading this made me remember the importance in our house of getting things done on the weekend in order to enjoy our busy week. working in horse chores has been tough. but worth it. our groove feels close. and writing here feels good.

i think that's it. though i feel i'm forgetting something (memory, with eyesight perhaps? did I mention I finally chose reading glasses?)

with my birthday here, I have to say (again) I love my 40s. and am confident this mid-point will be a good one. hello 45 :)

and so they grow...

they met in preschool, and quite frankly, i think mine was a little overwhelmed by the big personality of the other.

then they spotted each other again at middle school orientation, and have been inseparable ever since.


then (the end of preschool)


now (the end of 8th grade)

this fall, they will be walking to high school together, and i couldn't be more proud of them both. and grateful for their friendship. and our families' friendship. they are still quite different. sassy and serious. (i think i can say that safely.) both strong and smart. they compliment each other. help each other be brave when it's needed - whether that's in speaking out, or in holding back. excited to see what the future holds for them both. and hopeful that their friendship can weather whatever comes next. (they talk about it openly. the challenges and opportunities ahead of them. and how they too hope their friendship can endure.)

time flies...

speaking of growing older...

as I get closer to 50 (pretty much in the smack-dab-middle of my 40s) I have noticed bits and pieces of me no longer work the way they used to. sigh. that said, I am loving my age. I can't complain. my soul feels better than ever. I love the easy confidence I seem to have found in this decade, as a mom, wife, friend, and professional. (this article actually sums it up quite well for me - though toddler-hood is far behind us. especially love the bit following "There are no grown-ups.") I love the freedom of having older kids (so much less stress when I have to travel for work), and the joy of watching who they are becoming as young women (so much fun to travel with!). I'm even liking the white streak! nope, I can't complain.

well, except for my vision. I noticed a month or so ago that I was struggling to read in bed, and blamed it on tired eyes. then I noticed that I had to hold my phone a little farther from my face when taking a photo. uh-oh. i've gotten through the last 44 years without glasses, and close to 20/20 vision for the most part. i fear my 40s have brought that to an end.

and so I'm shopping for reading glasses. (though you know you're going to be ok, when j.crew is carrying readers!) something a little quirky. (I think that's why I'm leaning toward the crystal frames.) here's what i've found so far:



1
2
3
4
5
6

any thoughts?




******

Frances McDormand on aging.

Lisa Congdon on getting older.

Julianne Moore on being 50: "If you’re 50 you’re never going to be 50 ever again so enjoy being 50," she says. "If you sit through the year wishing you were younger, before you know it it’s going to be over and you’re going to be 51."

good read day/week/month

i've come across two interesting ways to share articles lately. (i really feel i get so much of my information - valuable and otherwise - from things that are sent to me via the web.)

1) joanna goddard's "articles club" (love this idea.)
2) my friend nomi's weekly "5 things" email where she compiles 5 things found on the web + a photo she is loving. (so good!)

four links that crossed my desktop today that i don't want to forget...

the best worst president ever (yes! i really need to become a citizen.)

we want your job: graphic designer at madewell (e and i have been talking a lot lately about careers - and i've been stressing to her that if you love it, and can imagine it as a job, it likely exists! she has a strong interest in fashion, photography and design, and i want to make sure to share this interview with her.)

at what point is a model really considered plus size (one of the things that worries me most about her interest in fashion is the perpetual idealized body images presented there. though the choice of phrase isn't a good one - this still made me happy.)

10 reasons your teenage daughter should own a horse (no comment!)






along with all that - today is our 15th wedding anniversary. it doesn't seem like such a big number really, but then i look at the pictures that chronicle that day and the pictures that chronicle those years and can't believe it. i am so very lucky. my dad told me a long time ago that marriage is hard. it is. but it is oh so worth it all.

i love you cowboy. thank you for letting me, be me. and for making me better at it. here's to many more. xo

mapping memory

in the spring of 2005 we bought a minivan. a minivan that would take us back and forth and back and forth along the west (best) coast. every summer. and every winter. we bought it before i had this blog. before my first digital camera. before flickr. when i was still shooting film all the time and putting photos into albums. when the girls were almost 4 and just weeks away from 1.

two weeks ago, now, we sold that minivan. it was bit bittersweet. it was definitely time, with 10 years and over 150,000 miles. i was ready to say goodbye to the three hubcaps, shabby mats and unidentified goo i could never get out of the rear seat cup holder. but it was paid for! and held a lot of memories.

i love a good road trip - as anyone who has read this blog knows. we do road trips. and 10 years and a few months ago, just after purchasing this van, we set off on our first to our island. d made sure our aaa membership was up-to-date and i started to do some research on their website, looking for maps and other references to guide us on our way. i stumbled upon the TripTik option and immediately ordered one, typing in our starting point and our destination. i'm not sure these are still available or not - now there seems to be a print your own option, though you can still order one.  (though i think the format is different.)  ours arrived and d and i poured over it. dreaming about the road ahead. in these early days we were ambitious. we allowed four or five days to traverse up the Interstate 5 (which stretches from the Mexico to Canada borders) and camped and stayed with friends along the way. (K celebrated her first birthday at a campsite in the shadow of Mt. Shasta on that first trip!)



now we can make it up in less than 48 hours. we do one stop (usually the Hi-Lo in Weed going up, and the Best Western in Redding coming down). we still use the same TripTik.



when i cleaned out the old van it was there with our ferry card and the menu to my favorite lunch spot when the girls and i detour over to the 101 at the end of every summer.



many of the pages have come loose from the spiral binding. every page has scribbles and notes showing favorite lunch spots and rest stops. calculations to answer "how much farther until..." an expense list from the first trip (hotel in Buttonwillow for $45 and gas for $2.30 / gallon!) it has directions to get to melissa's and the phone number of the realtor who helped us purchase our cottage. (after a few summers renting, we knew we had to put down real roots there.) it has lots and lots of e's attempts at printing out her name and quiet notes we'd pass back and forth over the seats.







i'm looking forward to many more road trips and moving this well-worn book into the glovebox of the new car. a little piece of the van we are holding on to. a map that takes me many places.

"and we danced all night..." (in praise of "yes".)

e's 13 was celebrated last night with one of her favorite bands. i hesitate to say her favorite. we ordered these surprise tickets so long ago (!) and i think the opening band has actually superseded this one, along with a nice dose of pop punk and some "classics" as well. good stuff. but the affection for these 5 is longstanding and i know this first concert experience will remain with her. the collective experience. (over 100,000 people! that's my hometown times 2.5!) songs she knew every word to. having her best friend, and her sister at her side.

for me, it was pure joy to just do this. i feel sometimes, like i say "no" a million times a day to her. i am constantly seeing/reading articles on entitled children, how not to spoil your kids, how to say no, and so on. i often feel on the other side of that. and while i'm conscious that she is extremely lucky in many ways (with extra-curricular lessons, a cel phone etc.) she most certainly doesn't get everything she wishes for (and a 12 year old girl, i've found, can wish for a lot.) it is nice to say "yes". it feels good to give such a treat. and she knows it is such. and appreciates it. sure, she likely wishes we were front row center. (didn't i wish the same when i saw duran duran so many years ago?!) but looking back, i know that won't be what she remembers. she'll remember the music. the lights. the screaming. and that i said "yes".

...

our screen-free week was pretty successful. it is always a good exercise - and i am always impressed how easy it is for the girls. (and i look forward to a relatively screen-free summer just around the corner!) i'll admit, it was hardest for me. with the spring fire developing at the end of the week i found myself drawn in to following its path. as it neared friends and favourite spots i couldn't look away.

i am relieved to hear it wasn't started by arson. nor was there any loss of life or homes. but i can't help but wonder what this landscape we know so well now looks like. the fire tore through one of our favorite camping spots. by fate, this year, we have booked our annual adventure to a nearby campground that went untouched by the fire. but we will be visiting "old sycamore" as soon as we can...


2009


2010


2011


2012

...they are all our children.

"It comes as a shock at a certain point where you realize no matter how much you love these kids, you can’t do it by yourself, that this job of keeping our children safe and teaching them well is something we can only do together, with the help of friends and neighbors, the help of a community and the help of a nation.

And in that way we come to realize that we bear responsibility for every child, because we’re counting on everybody else to help look after ours, that we’re all parents, that they are all our children."
- President Barack Obama

full speech here.

this week

with the news that the mom of two of e's classmates (twins) has passed away the sharp awareness that I need to let go of the "small stuff".

we are blessed.













{cookies to come}

happy {strong and smart}

K wrote a letter to her teacher last week that went as follows:

Dear Mrs. F,
I would like to be in the student consle because I would be strong and smart. I would make sure that no one was being mean. I would take notes on anything importent. I would try my best.
Your Student,
K

her teacher saved it for me and presented it to me on my return this week. it made my heart swell. my goal is always to try and inspire my girls to be strong and smart. and to know that their best is all that is needed, whatever the final results.

on this, my 42 birthday, i am inspired by my youngest daughter. i have resigned from my position with the school district where a change in leadership has greatly minimized the effectiveness of the program we established three years ago. i am strong. and smart. and this is no longer a good fit for me. i tried my best. i am lucky that we have the means (and i have the support) to make this difficult choice.



my partner-in-asphalt-crime and i have plans. but we are in no rush. i am looking forward to a reduced juggling act between my homelife / my artworldlife / and my schoolgreeninglife.

i am happy. {and the girlies - and d - are too.}

leap of faith

i just had to share these images e's teacher took of her at camp. i am so crazy proud of her.

i have tried very hard with both girls to lead by example and brave some of my own fears. (i am not comfortable swimming in the ocean - but i want them to be - so in i go.)

heights are one thing they know i fear. my girl conquered this challenge in herself. she can do anything she sets her mind to. she inspires me.

the secret world of Arrietty

love all things studio ghibli and The Borrowers in this house.

so looking forward to this:



set for US release February 2012

::

today my dear neighbor melba took d and i up to the house her late husband willis built by hand some 60 years ago. he would always tell me the story of how he married melba for her '53 chevy, and she would tell me how she married him for this house.





they kept the tiny house in the hills as an income property after they moved to the valley to raise their family.

it is an amazing tiny treehouse of a house. nestled beneath a most wonderful california sycamore and balanced on a steep hillside. it is a wonder to think of willis grading this property, placing the retaining walls, then building, without any power tools, this gem. the details are lovely. rocks in the cement pathway. shoeracks in the closet. redbrick echoing around the yard. it is a work of art by a man who found a way to express himself in everything he did.

how we all should be.



on valentine's day 1954 he poured a walkway. a perfect eternal valentine.


inspired in so many ways.

::

i am feeling a little like we have taken on more than we can chew this fall. we've added another activity (riding) to our repertoire and it is stretching us thin. or more likely, me thin. (hello once a week blogging! i will blame some of that on my camera loss as well. need to remedy that asap.)

i need to make some choices. or perhaps just ride it out (forgive the pun) until soccer season ends (which takes up two days / a week, but is over in another month) and see what happens... k has the most on her plate. but her personality thrives on activity & change. (she has two different teachers this year - one in the a.m. & one in the p.m. and absolutely loves it & is doing so well - where i worried it might be a problem!) girls are happy. that is my guide. the only time i see it perhaps wearing on them is when they don't get enough sleep! (i am so grateful for the strict 8:30 bedtime we have managed to keep going! i know they need it.)

they are both horse crazy. and i love the confidence, responsibility & independence that comes with horsemanship. so we will see.

happy

surf camp

waffles for breakfast. on a weekday.

soft-serve icecream from the king kone truck

tie-dye twistbands

my new bracelet from d

a little piece of pottery picked up in paris

baby pygmy goats (thank you stephanie)

this nod from melissa: "One thing I admire about Tracy and D is that they have built their lives around their family and community and work to make change there every day. Plus, they have a pool. I have always wanted friends with a pool. Even if they are a million miles away." (sometimes i need a reminder. she is a good friend.)

a date set to head north

hello june

so very good to see you.

making me happy:

last blooms from our cut-flower bed

new seedlings taking hold

5 things

all these friendship bracelet patterns

(oh and isn't this one gorgeous.)

d's acoustic version of this song

toothless smiles

this pattern meeting this fabric

prepping for an exhibition

only 17 more school lunches 'til vacation!

::

‎"Whatever space and time mean, place and occasion mean more."
- Aldo van Eyck